ERIN C. COWLING
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My Career Conundrum: I'm a Litigator and I Hate Conflict

8/31/2020

33 Comments

 
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I first came to the realization that I might have made a poor career choice during a casual chat with my colleagues at a social event. It was the usual Thursday night litigation drinks held in one of the boardrooms on the 43rd floor at my former firm. I do not recall what we were discussing, but at some point, I said, “I just really hate conflict”. Another associate turned to me with a quizzical look on his face, “You hate conflict? Aren’t you a litigator?”

Light-bulb moment.

It may sound obvious, but that was really the first time I put two and two together. I was able to recognize the source of the prickly-icky feeling that I had about being a litigator. I hated conflict but I was in a conflict-filled job.

The thing was though, for the most part, I enjoyed being a litigator. There were so many aspects that I found exciting and invigorating. I loved trying to find the perfect case to support my client’s position. I loved analyzing the law and crafting a strong argument. I loved starting with a blank screen and finishing with a well-written and persuasive factum. I loved the feeling of making an amazing argument in court. All these things gave me little adrenaline highs (still do).

But there were aspects of my job that kept me up at night.

Contentious correspondence with opposing counsel caused me so much anxiety. The ‘gamespersonship’, the tactical maneuvering, the surprise strategic motion when I thought we were on track to settle, the “gotcha” new case handed over the morning of the court appearance…all made my heart pound. I could not breathe. Panic would set in. Every time I received a snarky email or even one that was just sternly worded, I would want to vomit. I would cry over opposing counsel being aggressive in settlement negotiations (after I left the room, thankfully) because the conflict it created made me so sad. I just wanted to scream: “Life’s too short! Let’s all get along. Let’s figure this out together. Why must we fight?!”
 
My mentors and other lawyers told me I was “too sensitive”. I have been told this my whole life. I am so sick of hearing those words. My grade school teachers, professors, ex-boyfriends, friends, employers, partners at firms, opposing counsel: “You are too sensitive, Erin. Toughen up, grow a thick skin, and you will be fine”. For too long I was ashamed of my sensitivity and tried my best to hide my emotions. But that is so hard to do when you feel everything. When I walk into a room I just sense what others are feeling and absorb those feelings as my own. When you are in a high-conflict situation those feelings are intense. And I feel every single one of them.

I know exactly where my dislike of conflict and my sensitivity comes from. I learned from an early age to walk on eggshells, to not rock the boat, to not cause any conflict that might set someone off. Figuring out a person’s mood, sensing if they were ready to blow, and keeping the peace, were all important if I did not want to get hurt, both physically and emotionally. Between my DNA and my childhood circumstances I am wired the way I am.

When I told my mother that I was going to law school, she told me I was “too nice to be a lawyer”. At the time it annoyed me a little, but looking back now I realize she knew the true me. The real Erin was a highly sensitive person who might not fare well in the conflict filled world of litigation. Mothers know best.

In my seventh year of practice, when I switched from corporate commercial litigation to estate litigation, things only got worse. I know, I know. Clearly there would be more conflict and emotions in estate litigation, but I am always one who is up for a challenge. I thought I could just put mind over matter and force myself to just “deal with it”. I thought I could beat my sensitivity.

I lasted 7 months.

The conflict and the anger and the sadness in estate litigation were too much. I absorbed them like a sponge and took those feelings home with me every night. My days were filled with brothers and sisters intensely hating each other; aggressive counsel (some bordering on sharp practice); angry correspondence; clients either crying on the phone to me or swearing at me. I felt like I had this constant orb of anxiety around my body 24/7. On my way to work I would hope to be hit by a car. Not injured badly, just enough that I would have to go to the hospital and not work for a few days. Things were not good. Eventually, I learned I was pregnant, and my obstetrician told me that the stress I was under was affecting my health. It was only then that I gave myself permission to admit defeat. I was never going to “toughen up”. I was never going to build that emotional protective shell around me. I was never going to grow that thick skin.

And that was okay.

I quit the next day. I have not been a “regular” litigator since.

I started my own practice as a freelance lawyer. I support litigators behind the scenes doing all the work that I love to do, drafting pleadings and factums, conducting legal research, writing legal opinions, etc. I never have to deal with opposing counsel. I never have to deal with emotional and distraught clients. It is the perfect practice for me.

But some days I feel like a quitter.

I see lawyers my age winning prestigious litigation awards and on the cover of newspapers working on headline grabbing cases. I went to law school to take on these cases and to help people. I went to law school to be a real litigator and I am not. Should I have stuck it out? Could I have learned to deal with conflict? I know I was really good at my job. I know I am an excellent litigator. Should I have toughened up and become less sensitive?

Is it possible to be a litigator who hates conflict? Is there a secret I never learned?
​
I have no answers. I will just go on with my day being my sensitive self, feeling all the feels, and doing my best behind the scenes to resolve as much conflict in this world that I can. 

33 Comments
Chinelo Egbunonu link
8/31/2020 06:46:12 pm

Hello Erin, this was such a heartfelt post. I
The takeaway for me is that it is ok to be sensitive. Thank you for this

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:20:50 am

Thank you very much. I agree. Sensitivity is not something you should be ashamed of.

Reply
Sarah
9/1/2020 09:26:47 am

Thank you for this. Your piece demonstrates the value of self-awareness and the importance of those prickly feelings. As someone who works in a different field that is antagonistic at times, I can relate. Life is too short. I’m contemplating a career pivot from a high paying job in part because of this.

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:24:20 am

Thanks Sarah. Too many people stay in jobs for the money. But they forget about the "costs" of that decision. Best of luck with your potential career pivot.

Reply
Litsa Dantzer
9/1/2020 10:28:34 am

I have shared your article with the Law Job Exchange group and it is deeply resonating with everyone. Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece.

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:24:59 am

Thank you so much Litsa. I appreciate that and I'm glad it is resonating with everyone.

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Veronica Walters
9/1/2020 01:30:26 pm

Thank you for sharing. I, too, practiced litigation but couldn't stand the sly manoeuvers some would try. I figure the case should be good on its merits and not shenanigans. I now do policy stuff... I enjoy it, but I also miss the thrill of having all of the pieces fall into place.

To me, I don't see it as quitting but finding the right place for you :)

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:26:10 am

Thanks, I agree. Most days I don't see it as quitting. Some days the "What ifs" creep back. But overall I know deep down I made the right decision.

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Erin Estok
9/1/2020 08:57:30 pm

Thank you for sharing this story!

I think your sensitivity is your strength as a litigator. I am sure your clients, even the crying ones, appreciated a Counsel who listened and cared about their matter like it was their own.

That said, I am so glad you found a practice that you enjoy, and put your own needs first.

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:27:26 am

Thank you - you are very kind. (If only everyone thought a sensitive lawyer was a positive thing not a negative thing)

Reply
Max
9/1/2020 09:39:35 pm

Thanks for sharingt his amazing piece!
I too recently left the "big law" world as a family law litigator. I've been describing the same thoughts and feelings to my friends and family without much traction or clarity. I feel very seen now! :)

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 08:29:55 am

I'm so glad the article resonated with you. Congratulations on the next chapter in your legal career!

Reply
Brian Babcock
9/2/2020 08:46:52 am

Are you a middle child by any chance Erin? I felt your feelings as I read this. The difference for me was that I was never told that I was "too sensitive". that might be a gender thing. Or it might be the hard shell I created. I WAS told I was "too insensitive" at times.

Despite this, I have enjoyed a long and successful career in litigation. For me, the rewards of those same adrenaline highs you list outweighs the pain of conflict.

So, I do think it is possible. but these days, away from the battle, it is the clients, the drafting, the analysis, and the advocacy that I miss, not the conflict. It would be lovely to have the best parts without the pain, but pain I can handle.

I agree with other commentators that this is an excellent article. Thank you for sharing.

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 03:31:27 pm

Thanks Brian for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. (And yes, I am indeed a middle child)

Reply
Suchana
9/2/2020 11:16:21 am

This is amazing! I feel you on every single thing you said! I'm also a highly sensitive person/ empath and I lasted 6 months in family law. "Lasted."Law is so much about traditional success/failure and arrogance/ rudeness etc. are seen as admirable qualities, when they shouldn't be. There is so much power in feeling, sensing. Law is far behind!

Reply
Erin
9/2/2020 03:34:04 pm

Thanks Suchana. Glad the article resonated with you. And I agree there is power in feeling/sensing. They should be seen as positive personality traits but often they are not.

Reply
Stacey ONeill
9/2/2020 08:06:49 pm

Great article Erin! This resonates with so many, including me as a former family law and personal injury litigator. Thank you for putting it out there. I think litigation could be so different with a culture shift.... it can be zealous without the sharpness and retain amazing talent like you. One day perhaps....

Reply
Erin
9/3/2020 07:56:46 am

Thanks Stacey. I agree, a culture shift would be nice, but unfortunately some lawyers think litigators must be overly aggressive and borderline unreasonable. Thanks for reading!

Reply
Virginia link
9/2/2020 10:08:31 pm

I feel you! Totally and completely! The other day I was telling a colleague that I might actually be too empathetic too, whilst practicing family, civil and commercial litigation.

Reply
Erin
9/3/2020 07:59:15 am

Thanks Virginia. Embrace your empathy :) After posting this article, I've heard from a lot of litigators that they have found a way to make their empathetic nature and litigation work. I think being sensitive and empathetic is something to be proud of. All the best.

Reply
Jessica
9/3/2020 09:33:02 am

Hi Erin,

I have definitely felt the same at times. I practice in family law within a Legal Clinic. The clients' emotions are raw which can exacerbate the conflict.

But it is the snarky emails, and attitude from opposing counsels or self-representatives that wears one down.

Reply
Erin
9/4/2020 08:15:42 am

Yes, there is definitely a distinction between clients experiencing probably the worst times of their lives and counsel (or self-reps) who are just being idiots for the sake of being idiots. Unnecessarily aggressive counsel can be exhausting. ThanksnJessica for reading and commenting!

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Heather Hui-Litwin link
9/5/2020 10:34:43 am

Such a wonderful article, thank you so much Erin! I feel the same way myself. I love studying the law, and it was exhilarating working with clients. But, it had been extremely stressful in my practice as well. I identified a great deal with my clients. I think that made me a "bad lawyer" because it hampered my objectivity. I have also gone off to start a career in public legal education and access to justice. I also LOVE supporting "real litigators"! I am now starting a project to support new lawyers and self-represented litigants. I love my work. I have wonderful collaborators. I wish you the very best in your career too!

Reply
Erin
9/8/2020 11:20:08 am

Thanks Heather. Glad you have been able to find a way to use your law degree that suits your personality and makes you happy! Erin

Reply
Angela Casey
9/11/2020 07:35:33 am

Wow, Erin. Rarely has a blog resonated with me as much as this one. I, too, have been told over and over again that I am "too nice" to be a litigator. I learned over time to develop a "tough as nails" persona when the situation requires it, but nothing is as gratifying as solving a case the way it should be solved - through excellent advocacy, and lawyers showing the common sense, cooperation and communication that truly serves clients' best interests. I also had a "light bulb" moment last October when I attended Harvard's intensive course on mediating disputes. Back when I was a Bay Street litigator, I felt ashamed of my sensitivity. What I discovered at the Harvard course was that my high degree of sensitivity is like a superpower when it comes to mediating disputes.

Reply
Erin
9/11/2020 11:49:28 am

Thank you Angela! I love the idea that our sensitivity is a superpower and not something of which we should be ashamed. Glad you had your "light bulb" moment too.

Reply
Ida Bianchi
9/11/2020 11:24:05 am

This post really hit home for me. I have had the same feelings as you for my entire career! I used to practice family law and child protection law. Probably very similar to estates work. I have worked at the intersection of law and public policy for the last 11 years and it is a better fit but I have days where I feel exactly as you do. But, when I take a step back, I see how I am able to be my best self in the work I have done since ceasing to be a litigator. You seem to have found a great niche for yourself! Keep up the great work.

Reply
Erin
9/11/2020 11:51:02 am

Thank you for your comments Ida. Glad you have found a better fit for you. Being able to be your best self at work is so important!

Reply
Carly
11/4/2020 12:43:27 am

This really resonates with me, especially now. I was called to the bar just over a month ago and have spent my articles and first month as a lawyer practicing exclusively family law. However, I find myself thinking each day how wonderful it would be to have a job where I just sit and do desk work and never have to enter a courtroom again. Or read another awful email from opposing counsel again. When you said the part about wishing you would get hit by a car on your way to work so you could take some days off - I have felt this more and more recently. The scary part is is that I’m a junior lawyer just starting out and not sure where to turn. It’s most likely too early in my legal career to create a practice like yours doing contract work. But it felt really good to read this because it gave my thoughts validation. And made me feel hopeful. Thank you.

Reply
Erin
11/4/2020 03:42:40 pm

Carly, thank you for commenting on my post and I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Yes, it is still early on in your career and some of what you are feeling could just be "newbie" jitters. BUT listen to your gut. Maybe after practicing for a while you are still having those feelings. There is nothing wrong with exploring a new way to practice law that suits your personality. It might not be contract work, it might be something else. It might be in-house somewhere, where you manage the litigation files and other lawyers go to court for you. Or it might still be in litigation but in a different area of law. The sky is the limit! It might not feel like it right now, but the future is bright :)

Reply
Carly
1/1/2021 12:21:48 pm

Thank you for responding Erin, I just noticed this now. Great advice, and very helpful. I appreciate it.

Rebecca
12/22/2020 08:12:35 pm

Oh my goodness, I could have written this article myself! I used to be a partner in litigation and one of my closest friends said to me I was too nice to be a litigator. Eventually, I realised that and am now also in a support role with no dealings with clients or opposing counsel.

When I was a litigator my health suffered so badly, I was constantly sick and had awful anxiety and my hair started to fall out. I too had the wanting to crash my car thoughts - just so I didn't have to go to work.

I also still struggle with my decision every day - even though my health has improved immensely (hardly get sick now and hair has stopped falling out though has never re-grown as think the damage was too far gone), and I have no stress (no weekend or evening working, no email checking necessary) and get to spend time with my kids, I see my peers progressing up the ladder, winning awards, being invited to lots of events, earning lots of money, and I feel like a failure. I feel like that should be me and that I was "good enough" to have all of that. But why do I feel that way when it made me so thoroughly miserable?!! Is it because my parents always put pressure on me to be "the best"?! I don't know, but I find it so so hard to accept where I am as against where I think I "should be" which makes no sense!

Reply
Mike
1/1/2021 07:34:43 am

Happy to have my lover back after 3 months of breakup, thanks E-mail: Robinsonbuckler (@) yahoo com…..

wonderfully exciting
How incredibly

Reply



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    2019 Canadian Law Blog Awards Winner
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    2016 Canadian Law Blog Awards Winner
    Erin C. Cowling is a freelance lawyer, entrepreneur, legal career consultant researcher & writer,  and President and Founder of Flex Legal Network Inc., a network of freelance lawyers.
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